Tag Archives: working on it

Jul26

Computer Love

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Computer Love

“I wanna love you, Baybay!”

Sip a cognac, it’s the extended version.

I thought technology was supposed to make life easier.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my gadgets. I have three computers which I now call miss small, miss medium and miss large. I’m a smartphone carrying, facebooking, texting, tweeting, blogging, emailing cutie. But the collision of technology and romance has me a little…confused.

I guess it’s because I’m having to learn this whole new set of rules. Suddenly, picking up the phone and calling seems so monumentally intrusive, even though it worked just fine before there was something else to do. So I’m staring at a phone number that I’m too chicken to call. Because what if he answers? What do I say then? What if he doesn’t answer? How do I feel then? I hide behind text messages that may or may not make an appearance on my intended’s phone. It gives me a chance to think it out first. To me, text messages are the disposable currency of the modern relationship. You send me a few SMS sweet nothings and maybe we’re getting somewhere. Withhold and I’m sure you’re not into me. When I want to forget this whole thing happened, I delete them. Unlike love letters , a text takes no effort to dispose of. You can do it in bed or on the toilet or at a traffic light – whenever “I’m sick of this mess.” hits you. And it will hit you. I mean, how am I supposed to feel when my well thought out (during commercial breaks) 160 character missives go unanswered? I feel like he pretty much circled “no.”

Then there’s Facebook to contend with. What if he gives me action there, but he doesn’t really call? Is that serious or not? What if we were to tweet on Twitter with intensity? How do you know when you’re making progress or when you’re just treading water when it feels like you could be doing both simultaneously? Making connections in this technological space isn’t ridiculous to me. But sometimes making the leap from the virtual to the reality is more than I can take seriously.

10 years ago, I didn’t have all these questions. This stuff didn’t exist for me to get all confused about. He called or he didn’t. There weren’t all these options, these ways to know about me without really knowing me. But without all these newfangled things, the reality is that I wouldn’t even be musing about the particular someone who’s on my mind. All this technology introduced us and helped us make acquaintance, but now I’m wondering if that’s as far as it can take us. Essentially, I had the very same question for the guy in my world back before all this cool stuff came along that I have for the guy I’m thinking of now: Dude, do you like me or not? Because I kinda sorta like you.

Text ‘yes’ or ‘no’. You know the number.

Jul14

Seeds

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Seeds

We call our children our seeds and I think most people get that analogy. But on another level, dealing with kids is like farming. You start with a little seed and hopefully you grow something healthy and fruitful. That’s how it’s supposed to go, right?

Some kids are like oregano. Plant oregano and you get immediate gratification. Little water, some sun and pretty soon you see some action. As a matter of fact, once herbs start growing, you can see some progress everyday. And you feel like you’re doing something. Some kids just don’t take a lot of work. They need some attention, some guidance and some love, but they’re hardwired to make it happen. That’s good too, because some kids are like potatoes. Potatoes are a whole different ballgame.

When you plant a seed potato, you’re not going to see anything for a long time. The work occurs underground, for the most part. If you want a good potato, it can’t push out and be exposed directly to the light – it can’t take all that light at once. You have to hill them, make sure they are covered in soil. And they need the sunlight and the water and some weeding. It takes a lot for potatoes and there is no instant gratification. You see leaf action, but you want potatoes. You have to wait. You just have to trust that what you’re doing is working.

Some kids are like that. They take a lot work. You love them, support them, help them, teach them, care for them. And you don’t see anything. It’s a little disheartening. You have to keep on tending to them, because the work is happening underneath. They run from you and act up because they can’t take all the light you’re trying to expose them to. You think they aren’t listening, but they are. So you give them what they need, a little at a time. Eventually, there will be results. It might take a really long time. You might not ever personally see the results, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be successful. And they’ll always remember who took the time to tend them.

Our children, our seeds, need us to help them grow. We sow the seeds and we have to take the time to tend them.

Jul10

Warrior

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Warrior

Etana – Warrior Love (not so on topic, but I love this song.)

I’m a woman. But I’m also a warrior. And if you’re smart, you’ll become a warrior too.

This life is lots of things. Ups, downs, highs and lows. We’re faced with all this…let’s call it stuff. Sometimes we step in it and sometimes we get pushed in it and sometimes we let ourselves be dragged into it, but at the end of the day we’re in it. And it stinks. You’d be surprised how many people lay down and take whatever comes their way. We complain about our condition, but don’t do anything to improve it. We complain about how people treat us, but then go right back into the same situation. We complain about our communities, but then go somewhere else to spend our money and improve life. We allow people to kill our dreams, suck the life out of our goals and drown our spirits. I’m guilty of it too at times, so I’m not judging. These are just observations.

So what, then, is the answer?

Take care of yourself. That’s not always easy, but it’s necessary. You take time for yourself, your interests, your thoughts, the things you care about. You can’t run on an empty battery. The things that are so pressing will be there. I know that sounds easy for me to say with no husband and no kids to worry about. But I know for a fact if you work yourself sick, you can’t take care of anyone else. So you have to preserve. Preserve your emotions. Stand up for your feelings and your heart. That takes courage, but courage is free. You can afford it; even in a recession.

Take care of your children. If you don’t have any children, find some. If you’re grown, you have some kids you can attend to – maybe you just haven’t found them yet. Anyway you slice it, kids are all we really have as hope. When we neglect children and their needs – emotionally, physically and intellectually – we’re selling our culture and future short. Listen to them, because they’re talking to you. Teach them how to be a better person than you are. That’s my personal goal. I guess, I turned out okay. I’m decent and smart, I think. But what I want is to help turn out someone better than myself.

Take care of your community. Find ways to stimulate growth where you live. That means spend your money there. Or find small businesses and give them a chance. Take an interest in the politics and the issues that effect the people around you. And when you get interested, take some action. Write some letters. Go visit some people and light into them, if needed (in love!). In every walk of life, there’s a way to get involved, whether it has to do with policy or procedure. If nothing else, make sure that you do the very best you can by the people around you.

I don’t think there is anything to be gained by being meek about what we need to do. If we are, we’ll insure that it won’t get done. So in a lot of ways, we do have to be warriors for the things that matter. The time for waiting around for other people to take care of us isn’t over – it never was. No religion, no belief system I’ve found admonishes one to sit on their laurels, do absolutely nothing and wait for something great to happen. (Feel free to let me know if you find something else.) Believe in the Creator and trust that your needs will be fulfilled, but use that faith to power your works – internally and externally.

Jun22

Getting in the way…

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Getting in the way…

Yeah, I know. I’ve been there too. But you mature out of it.

Let me just say this. People are hilarious. Myself included. I wonder sometimes if the ancestors are looking at us like it’s a sitcom, because we can be pure comedy at times.

We’re territorial. That’s just how we are. And to me, this is the source of a lot of the comedic hijinks. We want what’s ours or what we perceive as ours. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pair of shoes, a piece of corner, recognition for an idea, or another person. If we think it belongs to us or we’d like to have it, we will go to great lengths to get it.

Some things you can own. People are not one of them. I don’t care if you mark them with a tattoo, brand them or pee around them, you can’t mark your territory when it comes to another person. We all belong to the Creator. Nobody is yours, you can’t really own other people. (They have a name for that, it’s called slavery. But even then, a mind and a soul can’t be bought and sold.) We try to do it all the time though. I saw a couple in the mall once with shirts that said “He’s with me” and “She’s with me”. That kind of thing confuses me. I guarantee if one of them sees someone else they’d rather be with and they really want to, the shirts would come off. Or at least be inside out. For all the romanticism we conjure up for a wedding ring, at the end of the day we use it as label. “This one belongs to me. See the ring?” I’m not anti-ring. My point is, what are we really saying. Are you any less married without it? Or are we just trying to let the world know that the person in my life is off limits. If the person in your life wants to be in your life, isn’t that enough?

I heard a saying once, “If it has legs, it can walk.” Meaning, if someone wants to get up and leave they can. Or if they want to come to you, they can. You can’t do anything about that. You do the best you can in relationships, or in life for that matter, and you see what happens. I’ll tell you this much, what you have isn’t enough to make them want to be with you. Sorry. Whatever it is, someone else has that too and it’s bigger, better , faster, smarter, stronger and softer than yours. We all have free will and sometimes that’s a sinking feeling. But take heart. When it’s the right time and the right thing, you won’t have to fire off a warning shot when your beloved comes into the room. If they don’t want to be with you, it won’t help anyway. All you’re doing is drawing attention to that good stuff you’re trying so hard to keep. If they’re really “yours”, they aren’t going anywhere.

Jun22

Awareness

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Awareness

The other afternoon, I was at the store and an Outcry from the Barrio guy (If you’re not familiar, google it. I can’t get into that right now.) came up to me and scared the mess out me. All he said was “Ma’am”, but that’s all it takes for me if I’m lost in thought. Knowing this, my step-mom and grandma tell me frequently to always be aware of my surroundings.

If awareness is knowing what’s going on at all times, I’m at times guilty of unawareness. I do alright, but there are so many things to know about. News, not news, causes, issues, plights, new movies. There’s a lot of stuff out there. That said, I know a lot of things. Last night I recalled a song from a zillion years ago on very little description. Title and artist. I know about a lot of things and I know how to find out about a lot of things. So I guess you could say I’m aware. But of what?

As I grow older, the thing I’ve found that the one thing that I need to be most aware of is the thing I know least about: myself. The other day, I discussed finding oneself with a friend and we agreed it’s a journey. A marathon as opposed to a sprint, if you will. And it’s never ending. Who I am is an evolving thing. As time goes on, I become more aware of who I am and what I’m all about. As soon as I figure it out, it changes. But I think the key to it is that I realize that. I’m aware of the fact that I don’t have myself figured out. So I keep trying. It’s a losing battle, but the real work is in the process…

Jun4

Down, but not out.

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Down, but not out.
Cry baby cry by tostadophoto.com.
photo credit: tostadophoto.com

I’m disappointed. I’m very close to achieving a goal of mine, but I just got hit with a massive roadblock. It makes me wonder if I did everything I could, even though it’s a moot point now. It’s out of my hands. I wrote a letter of appeal to the appropriate person and now I let the Most High handle it. I’m going to be content with whatever happens, because that was what was meant to be. Whatever happens was the plan all along, not whatever I think. I’m not in charge.

It’s not about me. Never has been. Never will be. Ultimately, my talents and gifts will be used to serve somewhere. I just don’t know where yet. Maybe it’s right here. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m already doing what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m supposed to do it somewhere else. Whatever the outcome, I’m going to use this as an opportunity to give some thought to my purpose, slow down and appreciate life. It’s going to be fine. It’s always been fine and it will be fine again.
I hope this helps you too.
May22

About Sacrifice…

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About Sacrifice…
Yesterday, I go to the bookstore aka “where I trick off all my money” and I decide to pick up No Woman No Cry: My life with Bob Marley by Rita Marley with Hettie Jones. I also got Catch a Fire by Timothy White. I decided to go with Rita’s story first.

I’m not going to review it. It was good. Sad, but ultimately triumphant. Here’s what it made me think. What is sacrifice? Rita Marley, from my reading of her book, gave up a lot. She held her tongue when she could have said things. She turned a blind eye to many things. I have no judgement to make, but what I can respect is that she did it because she believed in Bob. That people needed his songs and that inspiration. That the good of her family needed to come first. That the good of all his children was important, no matter who their mama was. Difficult decisions…I don’t know what I would have done. Sometimes you have to follow your heart and sometimes that means giving up part of you for what – or who – you believe in. Nowadays, we look at sacrifice as such an ugly word. Who gives up things anymore? If anything, we’re all about getting more. Even in a recession. But it’s not a bad word. Sacrifice opens us up to so many things. It’s like the key to a whole other realm. Less of me and more of others. What I give up, others gain. Stop getting in your own way and let others see the light in you, as opposed to trying to make them see the light on you.