Tag Archives: womanhood

Apr29

Him and Me and You and Her – And that might be okay.

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Him and Me and You and Her – And that might be okay.

So I’m not sure that men and women are meant to be monogamous.

What I mean is that I’m not entirely sure that’s the way we’re designed to be, nor am I sure it’s the most productive relationship structure for our day and time.

(Before I go into my reasoning here, understand that I’m not out to change anyone’s mind on the subject and I’m not really trying to argue about it either, though I don’t mind discussion. I like to think that I’m able to challenge my own conventional wisdom and that’s really the only thing I ever hope to do. Everyone has to find their own truth in the world. I’m just trying to formulate mine. It might change, so chill out and take it for what it is. )

In the animal world, very few mammals are truly monogamous, that is to say they only mate with one partner for the whole of their lives. There are many that mate with several other animals for a variety of reasons which include security and natural instinct. We like to think we’re so different from animals, but in many ways, we aren’t. Our natural desires can and often do lead us to become attached, emotionally and sometimes physically, to more than one person in the span of our lives. Because we’re dynamic individuals, we change and our needs change. It might not be reasonable to expect one person to fulfill our needs from the time we meet them until we die. We should also consider that we might not be everything all the time to them. We can accept that people are dynamic individuals that grow and change, but oddly, we expect our relationships to remain static and then we wonder why they aren’t working out. We say things like, “It’s natural to look. It’s even natural to flirt” and many of us can accept that about our partners, but feel as though it’s unnatural to act. In nature, they’re usually one and the same.

It’s become a forgone conclusion that some people are just going to get divorced. Instead of seeing marriage as a commitment that is perhaps mutable, we often view it as disposable. Oftentimes it’s not that the couple doesn’t love each other anymore. Maybe their interests and desires changed and their partner’s didn’t or they just found someone else to love too.  Perhaps this why you sometimes see people marry, divorce and remarry the same person. Because monogamy limits what you can do as far as seeking attention, affection and companionship from other people, divorce is often the only option. But divorce is a severing of bonds and too often the devastation of a family. If we viewed relationships as dynamic, there wouldn’t be as much of a need to sever bonds, but there would be an opportunity to loosen the ropes.

I wrote before about how if something has legs, it can walk. We don’t own anything or anyone. Every day, your partner makes a choice to be with you. Some people say marriage makes it a mandate and that’s why they avoid getting married. They want to make the choice to stay every day. But I say it doesn’t matter. Ask a married person who’s husband or wife went out for cigarettes and never came home – even married people have a choice. However, the idea of monogamy, the way that we often practice it, assumes a type of ownership – a possessiveness if you will. Because we see our partner as our property, it’s hard to think about someone else having what’s ours, or even that they have a choice in where they want to be. But we have so many different qualities as people that are attractive and attracting, that I’m not sure we can look at it that way.

If we were truly meant to be monogamous, I’m not sure we could love another person after we’d met the one for us. But clearly, we can. Some people fall in love 3 or 4 times in a lifetime. What makes you think it’s unlikely it will happen while a person is already in a relationship? While it’s true that some people fall out of love too, most people have someone they will always love. What if you could be in a relationship with that person, but still experience love and closeness and companionship with another person?

I’m not suggesting that people go around cheating. That’s not honest and loving relationships are built on honesty and trust. I’m suggesting that instead of making it a capital offense that your husband has an “office wife”, maybe you can respect that relationship and allow it to grow. On the same line, a husband could respect and allow a woman to have a male companion that meets needs that he might not at that time. It doesn’t mean the two don’t love each other, it’s just that you need different things at different times and different people can provide that.

People generally refer to this as polyamory or polygamy, if you’re married. It differs from polygyny and polyandry in that both the man and the woman in the relationship can exercise the option to have a relationship with other people.  I think that’s important to note, because while some people tout polygyny as the answer to the single woman/ single motherhood problems of the world, I think women are just as apt to need more that one relationship to fulfill them as men are. I think that different models would work for different relationships and different times in life. While I might not be interested in maintaining two relationships myself while I have young children, having a co-wife around might relieve some of my stress because my husband wouldn’t have to depend solely on me for the things he needs while I’m also caring for children. On the same token, I might just need someone else to lean on if my husband is putting a lot into providing for our family, but doesn’t have the time I’d desire to spend with me.

I don’t think it is for everyone. I think that many, if not most, people are going to be happy with one person forever, the end. But I also know that there are a great number of people who aren’t necessarily  happy, so they go out and lie and cheat and mislead their partner, a person who they love, because there isn’t an acceptable way to express the desire to be wanted or needed by other people. I don’t believe anyone really wants to hurt the people they truly love, but I also think that people shouldn’t be boxed into a relationship that they don’t want to discard, but that they need to supplement, without a reasonable, mutually agreed upon way to do so.

Marriage as a culmination to a romantic life is almost an American idea. In many parts of the world, a marriage seen as more of a stop along the journey. In fact,  Murdock’s Ethnographic  Atlas supports that of 1231 societies in the world, a whopping 588 practiced polygamy regularly with another 486 practicing a more occasional form of polygamy or polyamory. I’m not saying they’re right and we’re wrong, I’m just saying that it makes me think that maybe we’re missing something.

Now, I know it seems like I can say all this because I’m so very single and perhaps I just haven’t met the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe. But I also am willing to admit that I’ve been in love with more than one person at a time. Just like I love both peanut butter cookies and chocolate chip cookies, I loved them both. There were different things about them that I loved and still love. It would be nice to have both in my life. I’m a Scorpio, I have to fight possessive urges, but I think I’d be able to do it if there were a mutual understanding and a solid relationship to begin with. I guess, to me, that’s the key. If someone is really “yours” ( and I use that term with so much caution) they will return home to you strengthened and renewed to love you more. And if you really belong to them, you’ll do the same. You can’t get to this point without a very solid relationship and that might take a long time. But when you get there, I don’t see a real reason that you can’t enjoy time with other people.

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I’d be remiss not to mention Kenya K. Steven’s Jujumamablog:  www.jujumamablog.com Kenya and her husband have a fascinating story and it helped me solidify some of the ideas I was already working on.

Ethnographic Atlas Codes – http://eclectic.ss.uci.edu/~drwhite/worldcul/Codebook4EthnoAtlas.pdf

Deflating the Myth of Monogamy -http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/fys/barash%20on%20monogamy.htm

Sep11

Sacred Womb…

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Sacred Womb…
Don’t get excited. My spare room is still an office, not a nursery.
What’s a woman?

I’m probably not alone in defining my womanhood, at least to a certain degree, by a set of organs carefully hidden inside my body. Masterfully tucked inside of me, there is a womb. A potential home for a baby. I carry a uterus and other stuff that make me, undoubtedly, a woman.

But what if those things weren’t there? Would I still be a woman? I’m watching, with interest, the case of Caster Semenya, who is (possibly) just learning that she’s missing a valuable piece of the puzzle that is womanhood – her womb. And while there are other issues surrounding this, what I immediately thought of was how that must feel. While it’s one thing for that area of your anatomy to lay dormant, it’s entirely another to consider it a vacancy. Where there should be something, there is nothing. I imagine it an emptiness far beyond the mere absence of children. What must it be like to know that even if you tried really hard, with in vitro and pills and whatever else they’ve dreamed up, you’ll never birth a child because you have no where for that child form. I’m not even sure my internal equipment is actually working, but I do know it’s there. I take it for granted, this sacred space that’s been created inside of me. Most women who choose not to have children or are unable to for some medical reason still have a place inside them where life, theoretically, could grow. What if it didn’t even exist?

I’d still be a woman, even if that defining attribute was absent. I know how I feel and I think that’s all that matters. Would a man consider me a woman knowing that our interiors were eerily similar? I’m not sure. How we define what a woman is might be one of the most interesting questions I’ve pondered in a while. Is a woman the opposite of a man? Well, what if she’s just opposite on the outside? What if she’s opposite, but doesn’t look like a woman. Not she dresses like a man or presents herself as a man, what if she genuinely looks like a man? Are you a woman if no one will treat you as one? Are you a woman if no one believes you are?

I’d never given any of this a thought until lately, but apparently it’s an issue for a lot of women. Some statistics say 1 in 5000 women are born without a womb, a condition called MRKH. There are a lot of sad conditions in the world, but this struck me as particularly sad, because even though I’ve never actually seen my womb, it’s very much a part of me. I suppose I assumed it was a part of every woman’s identity. But there are many components to building an identity. I’m convinced that what you know as your truth is more important than anything else. There are no mistakes when it comes to our Divine creation, all the mistakes come in our perceptions. A woman can be a woman, even if she’s technically not a “wombman”.

Jul9

Women vs. Girls

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Women vs. Girls



Why Foxy Brown? Because she’s brown sugar and spice, but if you don’t treat her nice, she’ll put you on ice!!

I’m a woman. This came to me rather suddenly not too long ago. I’ve been a female all my life, so it wasn’t a shock that I was indeed a woman. But it’s not a forgone conclusion, you know. There are lots of fully grown girls out there. Lots of 20, 30, 40 and 50 year old girls roam the world daily.Here’s how I figured it out: I looked around.

Women do lots of things girls don’t even think about. Like know when to talk and when to be quiet. Women don’t tell all their business. They know how to hold some things back. Sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself, even when it’s difficult. Women aren’t all about the show. Girls like everyone to know what they’re up to.
Women understand that everything isn’t always going to go their way. This is life, not Grimm Brothers. Women don’t throw temper tantrums, real or fake. But women don’t hide how they feel either. Girls like to make a scene. It’s the easy way to get noticed. Women talk it out. It’s the best way to get results.
Women aren’t interested in what a man has. Some people will disagree with me here and that’s fine. This is my opinion. Women aren’t interested in what a man has, but they are interested in who a man is. What he stands for. What he believes in. Where his heart is. Women don’t hold the past over a man and expect the past not to be held over her. We’ve all lived to see another day. A woman can take on a difficult situation in a relationship, and make it work. If he’s worth it, a woman can work it out to the benefit of all parties – kids included. A girl will expect a man to make things work for her benefit.
Women aren’t looking for handouts. Women can pay bills and take care of themselves, but know how to let themselves be taken care of. Girls sometimes fall on one end or the other – can’t take care of themselves or won’t let themselves be taken care of. I think both are tragic. Women know that sometimes you have to be superwoman, but when help arrives, it’s okay to take your cape off. Women find pride in taking care of their families and don’t find it demeaning to do so. You’d be surprised how many girls think it’s beneath them to cook and clean, as though we don’t come from a tradition of taking care of our families. Hmm…
A woman is a teacher, not necessarily by trade but because that’s what she does. That’s her nature. A woman teaches girls how to be a woman and teaches boys how to treat women. She teaches by her actions, her humility, her intelligence and her grace. She usually doesn’t have to say a word, but if she needs to say something to guide in the right direction, she will.
All females are supposed to be girls, for a while. Just like all males begin as boys. That’s the way life is intended. You go through that stage and, hopefully, move on. Men sometimes get confused about girls and women. It’s hard, we often look similar. You can’t go on looks when you’re seeking a woman. You might get hoodwinked – many men have. Some men keep getting hoodwinked over and over. When you’re dealing with a girl, don’t expect her to act like a woman. Don’t be surprised when she acts like a girl. You have to do your due diligence.
These are just my thoughts.
Jun17

The Single Life

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The Single Life

I can’t embed the video, but go watch Larry ‘Nem on Soul Train. Single Ladies, Clap your hands!

This is not a woe is me post, but this is not a being single is kick-ass post either.

The reality is that nothing is all bad and nothing is all good. I enjoy a lot of benefits from being single. I read all night and no one wants me to turn the light off. Same with the TV. As a matter of fact, I get to watch whatever I want. I don’t even know what channel ESPN is. I watch HGTV, Cartoon Network and A&E. No one complains. I eat whatever I want for dinner. Cereal? Cool. Salad? Fine. Veggie Loaf? Excellent. I clean up, but not all the time. I don’t have too much company, so it’s fine. I have a lot of freedom. No one questions me about where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I’m thinking of painting my room a nice green. And I don’t care who likes it.

But then again, I don’t have anyone to help me decide on a new light fixture. Or remind me to water the lawn (which I need to do like immediately.) I rarely use the dinner table, for what? I’ve only used one seat anyway. Not that I cook much anyway. I make way too much food and I end up throwing it away. Sometimes it’s kind of quiet. And dating isn’t really fun. My dad does a lot of stuff a boyfriend or husband might do: light the pilot on the water heater, change the a/c filter (Mine is on the ceiling. It’s up really high.), answer my questions about car stuff and house stuff. I kinda wish he didn’t have to do all that, but he does.
It’s cool. I won’t be single forever…I hope. But while I am, it’s not that bad. Here’s my point. I used to get all hung up on how this wasn’t what I’d planned for my life. But my plans don’t count. Never have. I’m not in charge here. The sooner you figure that out, the happier you are. Being able to accept what is reality, what the here and how really is, is essence of life in a lot of ways. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing. Things just are. Our reactions are what make us feel the way we feel and we have to accept that.