LoveThang – Brittany Bosco – http://brittanybosco.bandcamp.com
You and I have bad news for one another.
To think that I’m not going to be with you forever is sad. I don’t know how to express that to myself, but this seems the best way. Our time together has ended and now it’s all staring at the walls on either sides of the bed and waiting to see who’ll move first. Literally and emotionally.
Oh, Gladys. You’re so right.
We keep holding on to hang on. Is that the way to live? Maybe it’s just me. It’s probably just me. See, I’m different than you. I’m in love with you. That’s the way I try to rationalize my own feelings. You can’t understand because you don’t really love me. It’s a lie though. I can’t be a martyr in this situation. You love me too and we’re both dying. We have made a hobby of protracting the pain of letting one another go. As much as we’d like to be done with each other, familiarity and loneliness draw us in. And we’re back to back in bed once more, wondering how we got here again, but comforted by the fact that we are indeed here again.
I didn’t think it would be like this. I love you, so maybe I just assumed it would work itself out. But I’m getting older. I want things you don’t want. And you were honest. You said honestly that you didn’t think you ever would. But I’m comfortable. Like an old pair of underwear with a hole. You know you should do something better, but these are already broken in. We have broken each other in. I’m guilty too. I could go find someone I don’t know. Someone who might learn me and my ways, but I already know you. The thing is, I also know you don’t want to learn me or my ways. We keep each other at a safe distance, divulging as much as we think the other needs to know. I think you need to know that I love you and you think I need to know your favorite song. There is no blame in this; I knew what it was.
The Dramatics were right too, I guess.
This can’t go on. I’ve changed and you’ve changed. You don’t even look at me the same anymore. I am, in many ways, sweeter than ever. Your body lets me know this, but you look at me like a stranger. And I’m starting to wonder who you are too. There will never be room in your world for me. Not at night. Not in the morning. Not in the afternoon. It’s novelty though, rolling around like we did when we were young and this was new. As soon as I hug you goodbye, I remember. We’re not young anymore and what we do isn’t real anymore. We can change positions all we want, it’s not changing a thing. We’re still on opposite sides of a chasm.
I run the risk of sounding angry when I’m not. I used to be. But, years ago, when I couldn’t figure out which one of us I was upset with, I let it go. Now, I’m just trying to find a way out my heart’s maze. It should be easy; you’re there and I’m here. It’s not like we have to be together. We don’t have any children linking us. I want something else for myself, but when I see what’s out there, I’m discouraged. I push you away and come running back when my heart starts to ache. You push me away, but you come back too. How can we be friends but not lovers when I’m always going to love you? That’s my riddle. I guess you’ll have to figure out your own.
Habari Gani?
We’re not going to see each other again, not like this. That’s the news. I knew it while laying on my stomach and staring into the late afternoon. Now we can say we’ve done it all and seen it all. I expect to find out something earth shattering soon. You’re expecting a baby or getting married. Or maybe you’re just sick of me. And I may just be sick of you. That is the bad news. We have become two people who don’t need each other anymore. Or maybe, that’s the good news.
Love you, I do. Every night, I try to forget.
