Tag Archives: self helpers

Apr6

Introspect

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Introspect

I looked in the mirror recently and saw the years creeping onto my face, settling comfortably, unlike my soul. I still look like myself, but I also look older and smarter and more graceful. When, I wonder, will that gracefulness translate itself into the clumsy situation that I call my life. Up until recently, I felt I spent a lot of time stumbling through the days and weeks trying to connect invisible dots. Not knowing what you’re supposed to be doing makes it difficult to know when you’ve accomplished the goal. I spent quite a while looking for someone or something to tell me what I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to get there. It feels ludicrous to type that. It seems like an absurd thought that I sought an answer for questions so personal anywhere but in myself. But I did.

I don’t have all the answers. You’re looking at the wrong blog for that. If anything, I have more questions than anything. The only difference is that I know the answers to my most burning questions aren’t anywhere but inside of me. Perhaps they lie dormant and my task is to learn how to activate the knowledge of self that’s encoded in my being, my mind and my spirit. Seriously. I’m of the mind that we come with all we need, if we just would learn how to access it. We are intuitive creatures, we can sense so many things if we let ourselves. We know when to be afraid or when to be excited. Most of the time, we know when things feel wrong or right, if we’re being honest. No one teaches you that, you just know it. I think that some of the deepest questions about ourselves, we know the answers to as well. Maybe we ignore a lot of what we know for the sake of getting along or making things go more smoothly, but we know, inside, what’s going on.

I wish I had more answers today. All I seem to have is questions I’m too afraid to answer for myself. On one hand, I want to know. On the other, I already know and I want to pretend I don’t.

Sep1

Cram to Understand You…

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Cram to Understand You…

Ju-Just like a test, I cram to understand you.

People aren’t always going to understand you.

We spend a lot of time trying to make people understand us, though. Dream our dreams. Think our thoughts. See our vision. Sometimes others can get an idea about where you’re going. But often they won’t get it at all. They’ll shake their heads and smile blankly. And you know they don’t get it. So you’ll try to explain again. And again. And again.

Stop it.

Don’t stop believing in your vision, but stop trying to explain it to everyone. Because everyone’s not ready for what you’re about to do. The cold, hard fact is that some people couldn’t see your gift if you wrapped it in a box and put a big, red bow on it. It’s not always because they’re trying to be difficult. They’re just not ready. You can’t make them see it right now. Some people can see it and will act like they can’t because they wish they’d thought of it. You’re just making yourself frustrated – quit trying to make everyone a disciple and just go do it.

It’s comforting for people to tell us that they understand what we’re thinking because – in our minds – it means that we must not be crazy. We get scared when other people can’t grasp what we’re trying to do. But fear can be a powerful motivator. When you’re the only one who can make your ideas come to life, you cannot afford to lose. So you don’t. You surround yourself with people who can either ‘get it’ or can live with the fact that they don’t ‘get it’, but support you anyhow. And you launch your ideas into the stratosphere.

Your dreams are your own. Maybe they’re too big for others to imagine right now, but it costs the same to dream big as it does to dream small, so you might as well get the most bang for your buck. When it’s done, when the plans are perfected, when the world can finally see your vision come to life, it will be worth no one understanding right now. You might wish people could recognize all along how important it was or what a great idea you had, but in the end all that matters is that people receive it. And if it’s your gift, your true gift, people will have to receive it. It won’t be up to them. The Divine will make sure of it.

Aug18

On being true to yourself…

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On being true to yourself…

Hey! There you are! I missed you!

Last summer, after a few years of being natural (and after a few months of an unintentionally low fade), I relaxed my hair. No one made me do it, I did it myself. I could chalk the decision up to being bored, but that really wasn’t it. No, I relaxed my hair because I didn’t think anyone would find me attractive with it natural. I hated that reason too; it sounded so vain. Who cares what people think, right? But it was definitely the truth. I convinced myself (my grandma helped!) I’d never meet anyone with a head full of naps and while it was a fun experiment, I’d better get back to some Optimum Care sooner than later.

Except, when I looked in the mirror after I’d done it, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. My hair was cute: short, silky, jet black. Just like it was when I headed off to college. It did look nice, I must admit. But I didn’t look or feel like myself. That was the old KaLeah staring back at me. I knew it wasn’t who I was anymore before I did it, but I thought that feeling would pass. It didn’t. I did go on a couple more dates. But they weren’t with anyone worth feeling altering my appearance for. The fact of the matter was that I woke up in the morning feeling like a phony. Not because of my relaxed hair, but because of why I’d relaxed my hair. Pretty soon, I was growing it out again.

Listen, this isn’t a post about why natural hair is better than relaxed hair. I don’t think that’s true anyway. I think the best hair for you is the hair you’re most comfortable with, whatever that is. (That choice is so personal. I hate it when people rail on and on about one being better than the other.) What this is about is being true to yourself and not making decisions based on how you think people will perceive you. When I look at pictures of my hair from 2 years ago, I can’t believe I cut all that cottony, nappy, fun to play with (yess!) hair off and relaxed it. And I can’t believe I let myself get caught up in what I thought people would think if I didn’t. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you. Whatever that is. It’s true with most things in your life. That’s the moral of this story.

My grandma loves me to death and she doesn’t really like my hair, but in the end, she told me that you just have to be happy however you can. She’s 81; she ought to know. But I know, in her heart, she’s holding out for me to at least try a press and curl!


Aug11

…and you did it anyway?

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…and you did it anyway?
photo credit: artfulwisdom.blogspot.com
I’m a grown woman (see previous posts for more on that subject), but sometimes I do the most childlike things. Last night, I was up sick as a dog because I’d eaten something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to eat. As a matter of fact, I ate a whole lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to eat – all weekend long. So all day yesterday I was feeling a little shaky and last night I was miserable. It would be one thing if I didn’t know that was going to happen. But I’ve had this issue since I was in college and this year I finally came up with a solution. So I knew that eating what I ate was going to make me ridiculously sick – and I did it anyway.

But how many times do we do that? The relationships we know aren’t any good for us, but we enter into them anyway. Commitments we can’t possibly keep or responsibilities we know we’re too overloaded for, but we agree to anyway. Things that are self destructive and counterproductive, but we justify them anyway. I think the key word here is ‘anyway’. What ‘anyway’ means is that the thing in question will happen at any cost – any way. Too often it ends up costing our sanity, our health and our relationships.

You can justify anything if you try hard enough. And sometimes there are good things to do, but we just aren’t in the position to do them at that time. But when you know you shouldn’t do something or you can’t accept a commitment to the best of your ability right now, don’t go doing it anyway. It won’t turn out the way you want it to. When your commitment is to give the best you’ve got, you have to make some tough choices. Some things might have to fall away so that you can give your best where you can. And if what you’re wanting to do ‘anyway’ is something you know better than to do, giving your best means giving it up completely. When you know better, you do better, right?

I apologize, tummy. I won’t let you down again.

Aug7

"I’m talking gift…"

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"I’m talking gift…"

You did recognize the title, right? OutKast – Aquemini (from my senior year! Go ’99!)

“Your gifts make a way for themselves.” Dr. Michael Beckwith

For many people, discovering your gift isn’t the hard part. Maybe you can sing or cook or organize and you already know that. Others can usually see your gifts and are more than willing to point them out – especially when they would benefit from you putting your gift to work. I don’t think that’s the challenge for most people.

The challenge, for myself at least, is knowing the best way to share or put my gift to good use. You can choose many paths. Some are more self-serving (or appear that way, but maybe they really aren’t), some aren’t. I don’t think either is necessarily better than the other; you have to weigh that for yourself. If was a baker, I could choose to have a high end bakery and only sell to the people who could afford my fabulous tasty treats. Or I could only bake deserts for the hungry so that they could enjoy a tasty treat sometimes too. Or I could do both. The point is, I’d have to find the correct fit for my gift – the best way to manifest my gift, with guidance from the Divine.

There is a way to share whatever your gift is. Sometimes we don’t see it immediately, but when you search for it mindfully, you’ll come across it. Our purpose can’t be to watch the First 48 and eat granola all day. If it were, my purpose in life would be fulfilled already and I could just go on in. There’s more and when you figure out what your ‘more’ is, your job is to get to work doing it. Sharing your gifts with the world, when you’re doing it the way it’s meant to be done, is like wearing a tailored garment. Everyone has clothes that fit. Some fit really nicely. But when you get something tailored, it fits you. Perfectly. And even though things before were close, they don’t fit as well as a tailored piece. Your gift and it’s manifestation are made for each other. They fit one another perfectly.

Aug3

Jump with both feet…

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Jump with both feet…

The video I really wanted couldn’t be embedded. (Jaguar Wright – The What Ifs)

But this will work. Just don’t take it too literally. No hidden messages – I send mine direct.

Recently, I did something I never thought I’d do. What it was isn’t important, but suffice to say, it was a big deal to me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and thought I was really making some big waves.

Let’s just say I barely made a ripple.

Sometimes you just have to do it – step out and see what happens. Maybe it will work and things will be all good. Maybe it won’t and you’ll be at home watching ‘Hitch’, wondering if you made a mistake. (Ahem.) But at the end of the day, you can’t always live your life safe. If you do, you’ll always wonder. What if I’d done that? What if I’d said it? What could have happened?

I would’ve wondered. That was the risk I couldn’t take.

When you’re ready to accept whatever happens afterwards, it’s time to jump and see where you land. It might be on your feet. Might be on your behind. But you’ll never know if you don’t give it a try. This life is only going to be what you make it. And sometimes you have to make it interesting.

Jul10

Warrior

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Warrior

Etana – Warrior Love (not so on topic, but I love this song.)

I’m a woman. But I’m also a warrior. And if you’re smart, you’ll become a warrior too.

This life is lots of things. Ups, downs, highs and lows. We’re faced with all this…let’s call it stuff. Sometimes we step in it and sometimes we get pushed in it and sometimes we let ourselves be dragged into it, but at the end of the day we’re in it. And it stinks. You’d be surprised how many people lay down and take whatever comes their way. We complain about our condition, but don’t do anything to improve it. We complain about how people treat us, but then go right back into the same situation. We complain about our communities, but then go somewhere else to spend our money and improve life. We allow people to kill our dreams, suck the life out of our goals and drown our spirits. I’m guilty of it too at times, so I’m not judging. These are just observations.

So what, then, is the answer?

Take care of yourself. That’s not always easy, but it’s necessary. You take time for yourself, your interests, your thoughts, the things you care about. You can’t run on an empty battery. The things that are so pressing will be there. I know that sounds easy for me to say with no husband and no kids to worry about. But I know for a fact if you work yourself sick, you can’t take care of anyone else. So you have to preserve. Preserve your emotions. Stand up for your feelings and your heart. That takes courage, but courage is free. You can afford it; even in a recession.

Take care of your children. If you don’t have any children, find some. If you’re grown, you have some kids you can attend to – maybe you just haven’t found them yet. Anyway you slice it, kids are all we really have as hope. When we neglect children and their needs – emotionally, physically and intellectually – we’re selling our culture and future short. Listen to them, because they’re talking to you. Teach them how to be a better person than you are. That’s my personal goal. I guess, I turned out okay. I’m decent and smart, I think. But what I want is to help turn out someone better than myself.

Take care of your community. Find ways to stimulate growth where you live. That means spend your money there. Or find small businesses and give them a chance. Take an interest in the politics and the issues that effect the people around you. And when you get interested, take some action. Write some letters. Go visit some people and light into them, if needed (in love!). In every walk of life, there’s a way to get involved, whether it has to do with policy or procedure. If nothing else, make sure that you do the very best you can by the people around you.

I don’t think there is anything to be gained by being meek about what we need to do. If we are, we’ll insure that it won’t get done. So in a lot of ways, we do have to be warriors for the things that matter. The time for waiting around for other people to take care of us isn’t over – it never was. No religion, no belief system I’ve found admonishes one to sit on their laurels, do absolutely nothing and wait for something great to happen. (Feel free to let me know if you find something else.) Believe in the Creator and trust that your needs will be fulfilled, but use that faith to power your works – internally and externally.

Jul9

Women vs. Girls

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Women vs. Girls



Why Foxy Brown? Because she’s brown sugar and spice, but if you don’t treat her nice, she’ll put you on ice!!

I’m a woman. This came to me rather suddenly not too long ago. I’ve been a female all my life, so it wasn’t a shock that I was indeed a woman. But it’s not a forgone conclusion, you know. There are lots of fully grown girls out there. Lots of 20, 30, 40 and 50 year old girls roam the world daily.Here’s how I figured it out: I looked around.

Women do lots of things girls don’t even think about. Like know when to talk and when to be quiet. Women don’t tell all their business. They know how to hold some things back. Sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself, even when it’s difficult. Women aren’t all about the show. Girls like everyone to know what they’re up to.
Women understand that everything isn’t always going to go their way. This is life, not Grimm Brothers. Women don’t throw temper tantrums, real or fake. But women don’t hide how they feel either. Girls like to make a scene. It’s the easy way to get noticed. Women talk it out. It’s the best way to get results.
Women aren’t interested in what a man has. Some people will disagree with me here and that’s fine. This is my opinion. Women aren’t interested in what a man has, but they are interested in who a man is. What he stands for. What he believes in. Where his heart is. Women don’t hold the past over a man and expect the past not to be held over her. We’ve all lived to see another day. A woman can take on a difficult situation in a relationship, and make it work. If he’s worth it, a woman can work it out to the benefit of all parties – kids included. A girl will expect a man to make things work for her benefit.
Women aren’t looking for handouts. Women can pay bills and take care of themselves, but know how to let themselves be taken care of. Girls sometimes fall on one end or the other – can’t take care of themselves or won’t let themselves be taken care of. I think both are tragic. Women know that sometimes you have to be superwoman, but when help arrives, it’s okay to take your cape off. Women find pride in taking care of their families and don’t find it demeaning to do so. You’d be surprised how many girls think it’s beneath them to cook and clean, as though we don’t come from a tradition of taking care of our families. Hmm…
A woman is a teacher, not necessarily by trade but because that’s what she does. That’s her nature. A woman teaches girls how to be a woman and teaches boys how to treat women. She teaches by her actions, her humility, her intelligence and her grace. She usually doesn’t have to say a word, but if she needs to say something to guide in the right direction, she will.
All females are supposed to be girls, for a while. Just like all males begin as boys. That’s the way life is intended. You go through that stage and, hopefully, move on. Men sometimes get confused about girls and women. It’s hard, we often look similar. You can’t go on looks when you’re seeking a woman. You might get hoodwinked – many men have. Some men keep getting hoodwinked over and over. When you’re dealing with a girl, don’t expect her to act like a woman. Don’t be surprised when she acts like a girl. You have to do your due diligence.
These are just my thoughts.
Jun22

Getting in the way…

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Getting in the way…

Yeah, I know. I’ve been there too. But you mature out of it.

Let me just say this. People are hilarious. Myself included. I wonder sometimes if the ancestors are looking at us like it’s a sitcom, because we can be pure comedy at times.

We’re territorial. That’s just how we are. And to me, this is the source of a lot of the comedic hijinks. We want what’s ours or what we perceive as ours. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pair of shoes, a piece of corner, recognition for an idea, or another person. If we think it belongs to us or we’d like to have it, we will go to great lengths to get it.

Some things you can own. People are not one of them. I don’t care if you mark them with a tattoo, brand them or pee around them, you can’t mark your territory when it comes to another person. We all belong to the Creator. Nobody is yours, you can’t really own other people. (They have a name for that, it’s called slavery. But even then, a mind and a soul can’t be bought and sold.) We try to do it all the time though. I saw a couple in the mall once with shirts that said “He’s with me” and “She’s with me”. That kind of thing confuses me. I guarantee if one of them sees someone else they’d rather be with and they really want to, the shirts would come off. Or at least be inside out. For all the romanticism we conjure up for a wedding ring, at the end of the day we use it as label. “This one belongs to me. See the ring?” I’m not anti-ring. My point is, what are we really saying. Are you any less married without it? Or are we just trying to let the world know that the person in my life is off limits. If the person in your life wants to be in your life, isn’t that enough?

I heard a saying once, “If it has legs, it can walk.” Meaning, if someone wants to get up and leave they can. Or if they want to come to you, they can. You can’t do anything about that. You do the best you can in relationships, or in life for that matter, and you see what happens. I’ll tell you this much, what you have isn’t enough to make them want to be with you. Sorry. Whatever it is, someone else has that too and it’s bigger, better , faster, smarter, stronger and softer than yours. We all have free will and sometimes that’s a sinking feeling. But take heart. When it’s the right time and the right thing, you won’t have to fire off a warning shot when your beloved comes into the room. If they don’t want to be with you, it won’t help anyway. All you’re doing is drawing attention to that good stuff you’re trying so hard to keep. If they’re really “yours”, they aren’t going anywhere.

Jun22

Awareness

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Awareness

The other afternoon, I was at the store and an Outcry from the Barrio guy (If you’re not familiar, google it. I can’t get into that right now.) came up to me and scared the mess out me. All he said was “Ma’am”, but that’s all it takes for me if I’m lost in thought. Knowing this, my step-mom and grandma tell me frequently to always be aware of my surroundings.

If awareness is knowing what’s going on at all times, I’m at times guilty of unawareness. I do alright, but there are so many things to know about. News, not news, causes, issues, plights, new movies. There’s a lot of stuff out there. That said, I know a lot of things. Last night I recalled a song from a zillion years ago on very little description. Title and artist. I know about a lot of things and I know how to find out about a lot of things. So I guess you could say I’m aware. But of what?

As I grow older, the thing I’ve found that the one thing that I need to be most aware of is the thing I know least about: myself. The other day, I discussed finding oneself with a friend and we agreed it’s a journey. A marathon as opposed to a sprint, if you will. And it’s never ending. Who I am is an evolving thing. As time goes on, I become more aware of who I am and what I’m all about. As soon as I figure it out, it changes. But I think the key to it is that I realize that. I’m aware of the fact that I don’t have myself figured out. So I keep trying. It’s a losing battle, but the real work is in the process…