Tag Archives: men and women

Apr29

Him and Me and You and Her – And that might be okay.

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Him and Me and You and Her – And that might be okay.

So I’m not sure that men and women are meant to be monogamous.

What I mean is that I’m not entirely sure that’s the way we’re designed to be, nor am I sure it’s the most productive relationship structure for our day and time.

(Before I go into my reasoning here, understand that I’m not out to change anyone’s mind on the subject and I’m not really trying to argue about it either, though I don’t mind discussion. I like to think that I’m able to challenge my own conventional wisdom and that’s really the only thing I ever hope to do. Everyone has to find their own truth in the world. I’m just trying to formulate mine. It might change, so chill out and take it for what it is. )

In the animal world, very few mammals are truly monogamous, that is to say they only mate with one partner for the whole of their lives. There are many that mate with several other animals for a variety of reasons which include security and natural instinct. We like to think we’re so different from animals, but in many ways, we aren’t. Our natural desires can and often do lead us to become attached, emotionally and sometimes physically, to more than one person in the span of our lives. Because we’re dynamic individuals, we change and our needs change. It might not be reasonable to expect one person to fulfill our needs from the time we meet them until we die. We should also consider that we might not be everything all the time to them. We can accept that people are dynamic individuals that grow and change, but oddly, we expect our relationships to remain static and then we wonder why they aren’t working out. We say things like, “It’s natural to look. It’s even natural to flirt” and many of us can accept that about our partners, but feel as though it’s unnatural to act. In nature, they’re usually one and the same.

It’s become a forgone conclusion that some people are just going to get divorced. Instead of seeing marriage as a commitment that is perhaps mutable, we often view it as disposable. Oftentimes it’s not that the couple doesn’t love each other anymore. Maybe their interests and desires changed and their partner’s didn’t or they just found someone else to love too.  Perhaps this why you sometimes see people marry, divorce and remarry the same person. Because monogamy limits what you can do as far as seeking attention, affection and companionship from other people, divorce is often the only option. But divorce is a severing of bonds and too often the devastation of a family. If we viewed relationships as dynamic, there wouldn’t be as much of a need to sever bonds, but there would be an opportunity to loosen the ropes.

I wrote before about how if something has legs, it can walk. We don’t own anything or anyone. Every day, your partner makes a choice to be with you. Some people say marriage makes it a mandate and that’s why they avoid getting married. They want to make the choice to stay every day. But I say it doesn’t matter. Ask a married person who’s husband or wife went out for cigarettes and never came home – even married people have a choice. However, the idea of monogamy, the way that we often practice it, assumes a type of ownership – a possessiveness if you will. Because we see our partner as our property, it’s hard to think about someone else having what’s ours, or even that they have a choice in where they want to be. But we have so many different qualities as people that are attractive and attracting, that I’m not sure we can look at it that way.

If we were truly meant to be monogamous, I’m not sure we could love another person after we’d met the one for us. But clearly, we can. Some people fall in love 3 or 4 times in a lifetime. What makes you think it’s unlikely it will happen while a person is already in a relationship? While it’s true that some people fall out of love too, most people have someone they will always love. What if you could be in a relationship with that person, but still experience love and closeness and companionship with another person?

I’m not suggesting that people go around cheating. That’s not honest and loving relationships are built on honesty and trust. I’m suggesting that instead of making it a capital offense that your husband has an “office wife”, maybe you can respect that relationship and allow it to grow. On the same line, a husband could respect and allow a woman to have a male companion that meets needs that he might not at that time. It doesn’t mean the two don’t love each other, it’s just that you need different things at different times and different people can provide that.

People generally refer to this as polyamory or polygamy, if you’re married. It differs from polygyny and polyandry in that both the man and the woman in the relationship can exercise the option to have a relationship with other people.  I think that’s important to note, because while some people tout polygyny as the answer to the single woman/ single motherhood problems of the world, I think women are just as apt to need more that one relationship to fulfill them as men are. I think that different models would work for different relationships and different times in life. While I might not be interested in maintaining two relationships myself while I have young children, having a co-wife around might relieve some of my stress because my husband wouldn’t have to depend solely on me for the things he needs while I’m also caring for children. On the same token, I might just need someone else to lean on if my husband is putting a lot into providing for our family, but doesn’t have the time I’d desire to spend with me.

I don’t think it is for everyone. I think that many, if not most, people are going to be happy with one person forever, the end. But I also know that there are a great number of people who aren’t necessarily  happy, so they go out and lie and cheat and mislead their partner, a person who they love, because there isn’t an acceptable way to express the desire to be wanted or needed by other people. I don’t believe anyone really wants to hurt the people they truly love, but I also think that people shouldn’t be boxed into a relationship that they don’t want to discard, but that they need to supplement, without a reasonable, mutually agreed upon way to do so.

Marriage as a culmination to a romantic life is almost an American idea. In many parts of the world, a marriage seen as more of a stop along the journey. In fact,  Murdock’s Ethnographic  Atlas supports that of 1231 societies in the world, a whopping 588 practiced polygamy regularly with another 486 practicing a more occasional form of polygamy or polyamory. I’m not saying they’re right and we’re wrong, I’m just saying that it makes me think that maybe we’re missing something.

Now, I know it seems like I can say all this because I’m so very single and perhaps I just haven’t met the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe. But I also am willing to admit that I’ve been in love with more than one person at a time. Just like I love both peanut butter cookies and chocolate chip cookies, I loved them both. There were different things about them that I loved and still love. It would be nice to have both in my life. I’m a Scorpio, I have to fight possessive urges, but I think I’d be able to do it if there were a mutual understanding and a solid relationship to begin with. I guess, to me, that’s the key. If someone is really “yours” ( and I use that term with so much caution) they will return home to you strengthened and renewed to love you more. And if you really belong to them, you’ll do the same. You can’t get to this point without a very solid relationship and that might take a long time. But when you get there, I don’t see a real reason that you can’t enjoy time with other people.

____________________________________________________________________________________

I’d be remiss not to mention Kenya K. Steven’s Jujumamablog:  www.jujumamablog.com Kenya and her husband have a fascinating story and it helped me solidify some of the ideas I was already working on.

Ethnographic Atlas Codes – http://eclectic.ss.uci.edu/~drwhite/worldcul/Codebook4EthnoAtlas.pdf

Deflating the Myth of Monogamy -http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/fys/barash%20on%20monogamy.htm

Jan19

Dénouement

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Dénouement

So now I’m in a ditch, covered with muddy water and embarrassment. My purse is on the grass with my Sunday school envelope laid beside it. And he’s not driving; he’s looking at me shocked. Then he puts the car in park and carefully walks to the edge of the ditch in question and peers in at me.

“Come on. Let me help you up.”

I’m stubborn. That’s how I got here in the first place. And like a child I shake my head. He sighs and wonders how we’re going to get out of this. I can read his expression, even in the dusk, even without my glasses which have flown onto the roadside. He looks down at the grass and I know he’s wondering whether or not he should cut his losses. He’s considered that before. But he’s my man. He won’t leave me. Even when he retreats to the hood of the car, he can’t leave.

“What’s on your mind, girl?”

I talk. Words tumble out and roll like marbles. We’re at the same spot we’ve always been. And if we never move? Then what? I feel like he doesn’t need me. Doesn’t matter if I stay or if I go. But I don’t want to go. I want to stay – and live. There’s something biting my ankle in this ditch and it does hurt, but I can’t move until he hears me. He tugs on his overalls and looks down the road.

“I do need you. It’s hard to explain. Maybe if you’d let me help you out of there…”

I want promises. Commitments. Reassurance. Or I’m not going anywhere. It’s juvenile, but I can’t think of another way right now. “Say anything, anything to get me to move,” I pray silently. That’s not him though. We’re looking at one another. When I see him, it’s always like the first time. I don’t want to cry, but I feel my tears stinging . He and I are more alike than different. I put my hand on my hip and suck my teeth as I blink away the tears. His eyes are back down the road.

“I won’t be railroaded. Get out of the damn ditch and we can talk.” Then pleadingly. “Okay?”

“You gone let me sit square on that Fine Corinthian Leather? I smell like swamp and hot woman.”

“Suppose. You know you’re finer than that leather anyway.”

I smile. That’s a reassurance of sorts. I’ll take it. I stretch out my hand and he helps me up the steep embankment.

“You’re a mess. In a cute way, I think,” he chuckles. “You know I need you around. You do know that, don’t you?” He touches the side of my muddy face softly.

“That’s all I needed to hear, I guess.”

Nov9

Love Thang…

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Love Thang…

LoveThang – Brittany Bosco – http://brittanybosco.bandcamp.com

You and I have bad news for one another.


To think that I’m not going to be with you forever is sad. I don’t know how to express that to myself, but this seems the best way. Our time together has ended and now it’s all staring at the walls on either sides of the bed and waiting to see who’ll move first. Literally and emotionally.


Oh, Gladys. You’re so right.


We keep holding on to hang on. Is that the way to live? Maybe it’s just me. It’s probably just me. See, I’m different than you. I’m in love with you. That’s the way I try to rationalize my own feelings. You can’t understand because you don’t really love me. It’s a lie though. I can’t be a martyr in this situation. You love me too and we’re both dying. We have made a hobby of protracting the pain of letting one another go. As much as we’d like to be done with each other, familiarity and loneliness draw us in. And we’re back to back in bed once more, wondering how we got here again, but comforted by the fact that we are indeed here again.


I didn’t think it would be like this. I love you, so maybe I just assumed it would work itself out. But I’m getting older. I want things you don’t want. And you were honest. You said honestly that you didn’t think you ever would. But I’m comfortable. Like an old pair of underwear with a hole. You know you should do something better, but these are already broken in. We have broken each other in. I’m guilty too. I could go find someone I don’t know. Someone who might learn me and my ways, but I already know you. The thing is, I also know you don’t want to learn me or my ways. We keep each other at a safe distance, divulging as much as we think the other needs to know. I think you need to know that I love you and you think I need to know your favorite song. There is no blame in this; I knew what it was.


The Dramatics were right too, I guess.


This can’t go on. I’ve changed and you’ve changed. You don’t even look at me the same anymore. I am, in many ways, sweeter than ever. Your body lets me know this, but you look at me like a stranger. And I’m starting to wonder who you are too. There will never be room in your world for me. Not at night. Not in the morning. Not in the afternoon. It’s novelty though, rolling around like we did when we were young and this was new. As soon as I hug you goodbye, I remember. We’re not young anymore and what we do isn’t real anymore. We can change positions all we want, it’s not changing a thing. We’re still on opposite sides of a chasm.


I run the risk of sounding angry when I’m not. I used to be. But, years ago, when I couldn’t figure out which one of us I was upset with, I let it go. Now, I’m just trying to find a way out my heart’s maze. It should be easy; you’re there and I’m here. It’s not like we have to be together. We don’t have any children linking us. I want something else for myself, but when I see what’s out there, I’m discouraged. I push you away and come running back when my heart starts to ache. You push me away, but you come back too. How can we be friends but not lovers when I’m always going to love you? That’s my riddle. I guess you’ll have to figure out your own.


Habari Gani?


We’re not going to see each other again, not like this. That’s the news. I knew it while laying on my stomach and staring into the late afternoon. Now we can say we’ve done it all and seen it all. I expect to find out something earth shattering soon. You’re expecting a baby or getting married. Or maybe you’re just sick of me. And I may just be sick of you. That is the bad news. We have become two people who don’t need each other anymore. Or maybe, that’s the good news.


Love you, I do. Every night, I try to forget.

Jul26

Computer Love

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Computer Love

“I wanna love you, Baybay!”

Sip a cognac, it’s the extended version.

I thought technology was supposed to make life easier.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my gadgets. I have three computers which I now call miss small, miss medium and miss large. I’m a smartphone carrying, facebooking, texting, tweeting, blogging, emailing cutie. But the collision of technology and romance has me a little…confused.

I guess it’s because I’m having to learn this whole new set of rules. Suddenly, picking up the phone and calling seems so monumentally intrusive, even though it worked just fine before there was something else to do. So I’m staring at a phone number that I’m too chicken to call. Because what if he answers? What do I say then? What if he doesn’t answer? How do I feel then? I hide behind text messages that may or may not make an appearance on my intended’s phone. It gives me a chance to think it out first. To me, text messages are the disposable currency of the modern relationship. You send me a few SMS sweet nothings and maybe we’re getting somewhere. Withhold and I’m sure you’re not into me. When I want to forget this whole thing happened, I delete them. Unlike love letters , a text takes no effort to dispose of. You can do it in bed or on the toilet or at a traffic light – whenever “I’m sick of this mess.” hits you. And it will hit you. I mean, how am I supposed to feel when my well thought out (during commercial breaks) 160 character missives go unanswered? I feel like he pretty much circled “no.”

Then there’s Facebook to contend with. What if he gives me action there, but he doesn’t really call? Is that serious or not? What if we were to tweet on Twitter with intensity? How do you know when you’re making progress or when you’re just treading water when it feels like you could be doing both simultaneously? Making connections in this technological space isn’t ridiculous to me. But sometimes making the leap from the virtual to the reality is more than I can take seriously.

10 years ago, I didn’t have all these questions. This stuff didn’t exist for me to get all confused about. He called or he didn’t. There weren’t all these options, these ways to know about me without really knowing me. But without all these newfangled things, the reality is that I wouldn’t even be musing about the particular someone who’s on my mind. All this technology introduced us and helped us make acquaintance, but now I’m wondering if that’s as far as it can take us. Essentially, I had the very same question for the guy in my world back before all this cool stuff came along that I have for the guy I’m thinking of now: Dude, do you like me or not? Because I kinda sorta like you.

Text ‘yes’ or ‘no’. You know the number.

Jul22

As Is – No Warranty

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As Is – No Warranty


A lot of relationships, especially the ones that don’t seem to work, are born of images. Essentially, an image is a representation of what actually exists. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing, until you consider what people have done with images since the beginning of image making. We make things look good. Think of the statues, early artwork, paintings and drawings you’ve seen. To the best of the artist’s ability, they bring out the beauty in the subject. You don’t see hairy moles or liver splashes or things that might be a blemish, even in early art. When we create an image, we make it the best it can be – even if, at times, that means making it something it isn’t.

In relationships, often we see who we want to see, as opposed to who a person really is. Mentally and emotionally, we create the image we’d like to have by our side. Some of us have Photoshop of the mind – we make them someone entirely different. Rose colored glasses, I think they call it. And while I’m all for positive thinking, playing make believe with your heart really can waste a lot of time and energy – things most of us are running low on.

Sometimes we construct those images subconsciously. Actually, I don’t know anyone who consciously sets out to create an image, false or otherwise, of the person they’re involved with. It just happens. He opens the door for you and he’s such a gentleman. She straightens your tie and she’s so caring. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t truth to the image, there is a measure of truth in everything. But when he lets the door slam in your face the other 100 times, he might not be such a gentleman after all. When she kisses you goodbye on the day of the big presentation knowing good and well that you look like Bozo the clown, she might not care that much anymore. We don’t change our images though. We don’t retouch once we’re done. We hold on to bits and pieces to try and construct an acceptable image of who we’re with. However, if that’s not who you’re really in a relationship with, what’s the point?

If you’re grown and the person you love is grown, you need to understand something. They can scoot left a little. They can scoot right a little. They can learn and grow a whole lot. They could do a lot of things, but maybe they won’t. You know how you buy things sometimes and they’re marked ‘As Is’? That means you can’t ask for another button or the belt that’s missing or anything else. Essentially, what you see is what you get. That’s how people are – ‘As Is’. The sooner you can accept that, the better off you are. If you can’t accept who the person you’re with is and what their situations are right now today, you need to keep it moving. They might become what you want later on, but that’s a big if. You can’t make it happen and you’ll make yourself and the other person miserable trying.

Jul9

Women vs. Girls

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Women vs. Girls



Why Foxy Brown? Because she’s brown sugar and spice, but if you don’t treat her nice, she’ll put you on ice!!

I’m a woman. This came to me rather suddenly not too long ago. I’ve been a female all my life, so it wasn’t a shock that I was indeed a woman. But it’s not a forgone conclusion, you know. There are lots of fully grown girls out there. Lots of 20, 30, 40 and 50 year old girls roam the world daily.Here’s how I figured it out: I looked around.

Women do lots of things girls don’t even think about. Like know when to talk and when to be quiet. Women don’t tell all their business. They know how to hold some things back. Sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself, even when it’s difficult. Women aren’t all about the show. Girls like everyone to know what they’re up to.
Women understand that everything isn’t always going to go their way. This is life, not Grimm Brothers. Women don’t throw temper tantrums, real or fake. But women don’t hide how they feel either. Girls like to make a scene. It’s the easy way to get noticed. Women talk it out. It’s the best way to get results.
Women aren’t interested in what a man has. Some people will disagree with me here and that’s fine. This is my opinion. Women aren’t interested in what a man has, but they are interested in who a man is. What he stands for. What he believes in. Where his heart is. Women don’t hold the past over a man and expect the past not to be held over her. We’ve all lived to see another day. A woman can take on a difficult situation in a relationship, and make it work. If he’s worth it, a woman can work it out to the benefit of all parties – kids included. A girl will expect a man to make things work for her benefit.
Women aren’t looking for handouts. Women can pay bills and take care of themselves, but know how to let themselves be taken care of. Girls sometimes fall on one end or the other – can’t take care of themselves or won’t let themselves be taken care of. I think both are tragic. Women know that sometimes you have to be superwoman, but when help arrives, it’s okay to take your cape off. Women find pride in taking care of their families and don’t find it demeaning to do so. You’d be surprised how many girls think it’s beneath them to cook and clean, as though we don’t come from a tradition of taking care of our families. Hmm…
A woman is a teacher, not necessarily by trade but because that’s what she does. That’s her nature. A woman teaches girls how to be a woman and teaches boys how to treat women. She teaches by her actions, her humility, her intelligence and her grace. She usually doesn’t have to say a word, but if she needs to say something to guide in the right direction, she will.
All females are supposed to be girls, for a while. Just like all males begin as boys. That’s the way life is intended. You go through that stage and, hopefully, move on. Men sometimes get confused about girls and women. It’s hard, we often look similar. You can’t go on looks when you’re seeking a woman. You might get hoodwinked – many men have. Some men keep getting hoodwinked over and over. When you’re dealing with a girl, don’t expect her to act like a woman. Don’t be surprised when she acts like a girl. You have to do your due diligence.
These are just my thoughts.
Jun22

Getting in the way…

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Getting in the way…

Yeah, I know. I’ve been there too. But you mature out of it.

Let me just say this. People are hilarious. Myself included. I wonder sometimes if the ancestors are looking at us like it’s a sitcom, because we can be pure comedy at times.

We’re territorial. That’s just how we are. And to me, this is the source of a lot of the comedic hijinks. We want what’s ours or what we perceive as ours. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pair of shoes, a piece of corner, recognition for an idea, or another person. If we think it belongs to us or we’d like to have it, we will go to great lengths to get it.

Some things you can own. People are not one of them. I don’t care if you mark them with a tattoo, brand them or pee around them, you can’t mark your territory when it comes to another person. We all belong to the Creator. Nobody is yours, you can’t really own other people. (They have a name for that, it’s called slavery. But even then, a mind and a soul can’t be bought and sold.) We try to do it all the time though. I saw a couple in the mall once with shirts that said “He’s with me” and “She’s with me”. That kind of thing confuses me. I guarantee if one of them sees someone else they’d rather be with and they really want to, the shirts would come off. Or at least be inside out. For all the romanticism we conjure up for a wedding ring, at the end of the day we use it as label. “This one belongs to me. See the ring?” I’m not anti-ring. My point is, what are we really saying. Are you any less married without it? Or are we just trying to let the world know that the person in my life is off limits. If the person in your life wants to be in your life, isn’t that enough?

I heard a saying once, “If it has legs, it can walk.” Meaning, if someone wants to get up and leave they can. Or if they want to come to you, they can. You can’t do anything about that. You do the best you can in relationships, or in life for that matter, and you see what happens. I’ll tell you this much, what you have isn’t enough to make them want to be with you. Sorry. Whatever it is, someone else has that too and it’s bigger, better , faster, smarter, stronger and softer than yours. We all have free will and sometimes that’s a sinking feeling. But take heart. When it’s the right time and the right thing, you won’t have to fire off a warning shot when your beloved comes into the room. If they don’t want to be with you, it won’t help anyway. All you’re doing is drawing attention to that good stuff you’re trying so hard to keep. If they’re really “yours”, they aren’t going anywhere.

Jun17

The Single Life

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The Single Life

I can’t embed the video, but go watch Larry ‘Nem on Soul Train. Single Ladies, Clap your hands!

This is not a woe is me post, but this is not a being single is kick-ass post either.

The reality is that nothing is all bad and nothing is all good. I enjoy a lot of benefits from being single. I read all night and no one wants me to turn the light off. Same with the TV. As a matter of fact, I get to watch whatever I want. I don’t even know what channel ESPN is. I watch HGTV, Cartoon Network and A&E. No one complains. I eat whatever I want for dinner. Cereal? Cool. Salad? Fine. Veggie Loaf? Excellent. I clean up, but not all the time. I don’t have too much company, so it’s fine. I have a lot of freedom. No one questions me about where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I’m thinking of painting my room a nice green. And I don’t care who likes it.

But then again, I don’t have anyone to help me decide on a new light fixture. Or remind me to water the lawn (which I need to do like immediately.) I rarely use the dinner table, for what? I’ve only used one seat anyway. Not that I cook much anyway. I make way too much food and I end up throwing it away. Sometimes it’s kind of quiet. And dating isn’t really fun. My dad does a lot of stuff a boyfriend or husband might do: light the pilot on the water heater, change the a/c filter (Mine is on the ceiling. It’s up really high.), answer my questions about car stuff and house stuff. I kinda wish he didn’t have to do all that, but he does.
It’s cool. I won’t be single forever…I hope. But while I am, it’s not that bad. Here’s my point. I used to get all hung up on how this wasn’t what I’d planned for my life. But my plans don’t count. Never have. I’m not in charge here. The sooner you figure that out, the happier you are. Being able to accept what is reality, what the here and how really is, is essence of life in a lot of ways. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing. Things just are. Our reactions are what make us feel the way we feel and we have to accept that.
May22

About Sacrifice…

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About Sacrifice…
Yesterday, I go to the bookstore aka “where I trick off all my money” and I decide to pick up No Woman No Cry: My life with Bob Marley by Rita Marley with Hettie Jones. I also got Catch a Fire by Timothy White. I decided to go with Rita’s story first.

I’m not going to review it. It was good. Sad, but ultimately triumphant. Here’s what it made me think. What is sacrifice? Rita Marley, from my reading of her book, gave up a lot. She held her tongue when she could have said things. She turned a blind eye to many things. I have no judgement to make, but what I can respect is that she did it because she believed in Bob. That people needed his songs and that inspiration. That the good of her family needed to come first. That the good of all his children was important, no matter who their mama was. Difficult decisions…I don’t know what I would have done. Sometimes you have to follow your heart and sometimes that means giving up part of you for what – or who – you believe in. Nowadays, we look at sacrifice as such an ugly word. Who gives up things anymore? If anything, we’re all about getting more. Even in a recession. But it’s not a bad word. Sacrifice opens us up to so many things. It’s like the key to a whole other realm. Less of me and more of others. What I give up, others gain. Stop getting in your own way and let others see the light in you, as opposed to trying to make them see the light on you.