They say you’re supposed to look at your relationships for patterns…especially the relationships that didn’t work out. The thought is that you’ll recognize the pattern and make a conscious effort not to repeat it, thus increasing your chances for success in your next relationship. I never put much stock in the idea. Besides, I couldn’t sleuth out a pattern anyway, so I assumed there wasn’t one. But on further review, I came up with something that was pretty disturbing.
I have a thing for big egos.
The one commonality in my last “situations” (and I use even that word extremely loosely) has been an overwhelming need for the other person to have their egos stroked. Light, but constant ego stroking. Unfortunately, I’ve never been particularly good at the art of caressing another’s precious ego. That’s not to say I’m a meanie. I’m very sweet, but not cloyingly so. I might tell you I think you look nice. But don’t expect that every time you do better than a t-shirt. When I’ve held back on that ego fluffing, those compliments and declarations that I found corny or trite, those people have pulled away from me. To be fair, I don’t expect constant adulation in return. I give a little and I like a little. But too much and I just think you’re lying. I’m not always brilliant and gorgeous. Sometimes I’m clumsy and inadequate; trying to gas me otherwise just trips my internal alarms. I guess I assumed others shared the same BS-ometer.
Those whom I’ve been involved with, even casually, apparently don’t.
Facebook and Twitter have given me a window on the way they relate to other women. Basically, the same women tell them how smart and sexy and handsome and awesome they are over and over and they eat it up like free pancakes. Now are they? Well, yeah, kinda. At least a little or I wouldn’t have been interested. But enough is enough. Or maybe it’s not.
There’s no doubt in my mind that these guys get off on hearing how awesome they are. And if a woman really feels the need to drive home that point in every comment they make to them, so be it. My personal preference is to let my actions speak for me. When I send a book I know he’ll like, it’s because I respect his intelligence. Or if I suggest something that helps him be more productive, it’s because I admire his work ethic. When I take the time to tell others what he’s doing, it’s because I’m proud of what he’s done. I guess if you need big, flashing neon sign, I’m not your girl. I’m more of a candle in the window type.
Anyway, I’m learning to look at situations as a whole. Just like I’m not comfortable commenting “You’re so hot!” to every twitpic, there are people who expect that because public declarations are what they privately enjoy. I gave up judging others last lifetime, so it is what it is. The lesson is that there’s a lid for every pot. And the pots I’ve been picking lately have egos bigger than my lid can cover.
