I looked in the mirror recently and saw the years creeping onto my face, settling comfortably, unlike my soul. I still look like myself, but I also look older and smarter and more graceful. When, I wonder, will that gracefulness translate itself into the clumsy situation that I call my life. Up until recently, I felt I spent a lot of time stumbling through the days and weeks trying to connect invisible dots. Not knowing what you’re supposed to be doing makes it difficult to know when you’ve accomplished the goal. I spent quite a while looking for someone or something to tell me what I was supposed to be, who I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to get there. It feels ludicrous to type that. It seems like an absurd thought that I sought an answer for questions so personal anywhere but in myself. But I did.

I don’t have all the answers. You’re looking at the wrong blog for that. If anything, I have more questions than anything. The only difference is that I know the answers to my most burning questions aren’t anywhere but inside of me. Perhaps they lie dormant and my task is to learn how to activate the knowledge of self that’s encoded in my being, my mind and my spirit. Seriously. I’m of the mind that we come with all we need, if we just would learn how to access it. We are intuitive creatures, we can sense so many things if we let ourselves. We know when to be afraid or when to be excited. Most of the time, we know when things feel wrong or right, if we’re being honest. No one teaches you that, you just know it. I think that some of the deepest questions about ourselves, we know the answers to as well. Maybe we ignore a lot of what we know for the sake of getting along or making things go more smoothly, but we know, inside, what’s going on.

I wish I had more answers today. All I seem to have is questions I’m too afraid to answer for myself. On one hand, I want to know. On the other, I already know and I want to pretend I don’t.