Monthly Archives: August 2009

Aug23

The First Day of School…

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The First Day of School…

So it’s on once again come tomorrow.

I’ll be there. So will they. And I want you to know that all the motivational speeches I’ve gotten this past week didn’t make a difference. I was already ready already. This is what I do.

I’ll be there with my game face on, just about everyday. When my stomach is killing me (which was often last year) or my disposition isn’t sunny, I’ll still show up. When everything’s going wrong, I’ll be there faking the funk from 7:30 – 2:45. It’s not their problem that I’m having a problem. Sometimes I can’t be there, but when I’m not, I worry about them. I wish I didn’t, but usually I do. They’re my kids, you know.

I’ll be there listening to their stories, helping them make sense of the world the best I can, teaching them the things the state says they should know and a few other things I know they should know. That’s the best I can do and sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s what I’m tasked with.

I’ll be there tapping my yardstick on the ground like a caricature of a teacher. My glasses will be at the tip of my nose. I’ll be scowling until Thanksgiving. They’ll love to hate me until I trip over something and bust my behind on the ground. They’ll look around nervously until I start to laugh. Then they’ll laugh. Now we’re friends. Well, not really. Kinda. They don’t need another friend. They need a teacher. That’s me.

I’ll be calling parents eventually, trying to explain to them what’s going on. Listening to the stories. Heartbreaking stories. Ridiculous stories. Stories that may never have a happy ending. Stories of people just trying to do the best they can by their children. I know that’s the case, most of the time. And usually I get all the support I need. But sometimes I don’t. And we soldier on anyway.

I’ll be ready to start this whole thing over again tomorrow. Each year I say I’m going to get a job fixing computers or being an adminstrative assistant. Last year I said I was going to work at Old Navy. Not part time. Full time. Idle threats. Duking it out with teenagers is what I love. For now.

I’ll be on the corner of the girls restroom and Room 120 tomorrow waiting for the future to come get what I’ve got to share. Holla at me. 7:30 AM. Don’t be tardy.

Aug18

On being true to yourself…

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On being true to yourself…

Hey! There you are! I missed you!

Last summer, after a few years of being natural (and after a few months of an unintentionally low fade), I relaxed my hair. No one made me do it, I did it myself. I could chalk the decision up to being bored, but that really wasn’t it. No, I relaxed my hair because I didn’t think anyone would find me attractive with it natural. I hated that reason too; it sounded so vain. Who cares what people think, right? But it was definitely the truth. I convinced myself (my grandma helped!) I’d never meet anyone with a head full of naps and while it was a fun experiment, I’d better get back to some Optimum Care sooner than later.

Except, when I looked in the mirror after I’d done it, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. My hair was cute: short, silky, jet black. Just like it was when I headed off to college. It did look nice, I must admit. But I didn’t look or feel like myself. That was the old KaLeah staring back at me. I knew it wasn’t who I was anymore before I did it, but I thought that feeling would pass. It didn’t. I did go on a couple more dates. But they weren’t with anyone worth feeling altering my appearance for. The fact of the matter was that I woke up in the morning feeling like a phony. Not because of my relaxed hair, but because of why I’d relaxed my hair. Pretty soon, I was growing it out again.

Listen, this isn’t a post about why natural hair is better than relaxed hair. I don’t think that’s true anyway. I think the best hair for you is the hair you’re most comfortable with, whatever that is. (That choice is so personal. I hate it when people rail on and on about one being better than the other.) What this is about is being true to yourself and not making decisions based on how you think people will perceive you. When I look at pictures of my hair from 2 years ago, I can’t believe I cut all that cottony, nappy, fun to play with (yess!) hair off and relaxed it. And I can’t believe I let myself get caught up in what I thought people would think if I didn’t. At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you. Whatever that is. It’s true with most things in your life. That’s the moral of this story.

My grandma loves me to death and she doesn’t really like my hair, but in the end, she told me that you just have to be happy however you can. She’s 81; she ought to know. But I know, in her heart, she’s holding out for me to at least try a press and curl!


Aug13

Focus…

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Focus…
When I’m looking at the news and I’m seeing the craziness going on at these health care town hall meetings, I can’t help but thinking about how unfocused this whole thing has become. Really, what’s at issue is that there are a lot of people who are uninsured or under-insured. There needs to be a way to make sure they have adequate healthcare. That’s all. People are getting all hamstrung about having their voices heard and that’s important. But I can’t help but think that the real issue is being forgotten about.

Sometimes we get so caught up in talking that we forget what we were talking about. It’s hard because when you care about something, emotions run high. But you can’t lose sight of what’s really important. That’s in anything you do. In my opinion, whether you’re talking about work or community interests or personal goals, losing focus is the number one obstacle to getting things done. I say this because people like me stop paying attention until we get back to the point.

When a meeting is going off the rails around me, you can bet that I’m going to try to get it back on course. My attention span is getting shorter as I age and I need us to get to the action quick.
If that’s not possible or permissible, I’m usually drawing a picture or something. Whenever we get back to the real issue, I’m ready to talk. But until then…

Personal focus is important too. I’m guilty of forgetting what’s important in my life and getting sidetracked with minor details. Everything can’t be on the front burner – that’s why there are back burners. Focusing on the end results of my real personal goals, and not that other stuff, helps me formulate a plan and not become discouraged with the sometimes seemingly insurmountable steps of the plan. A lot of times, focusing on the end result is the only thing that will keep you going.
My feelings about health care reform are not the topic of this post. If you really want to know, let me know and I’ll tell you. I already let my representatives know. The point is that productivity slows to a standstill when we forget what’s important. I’m not sure anyone even knows what the argument is about at these town hall meetings anymore. Enough fussing for the sake of fussing. Keeping in mind the importance of the issue, especially to the millions of people who are uninsured, would help people deal with one another with a lot more respect.
Aug11

…and you did it anyway?

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…and you did it anyway?
photo credit: artfulwisdom.blogspot.com
I’m a grown woman (see previous posts for more on that subject), but sometimes I do the most childlike things. Last night, I was up sick as a dog because I’d eaten something that I knew I wasn’t supposed to eat. As a matter of fact, I ate a whole lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to eat – all weekend long. So all day yesterday I was feeling a little shaky and last night I was miserable. It would be one thing if I didn’t know that was going to happen. But I’ve had this issue since I was in college and this year I finally came up with a solution. So I knew that eating what I ate was going to make me ridiculously sick – and I did it anyway.

But how many times do we do that? The relationships we know aren’t any good for us, but we enter into them anyway. Commitments we can’t possibly keep or responsibilities we know we’re too overloaded for, but we agree to anyway. Things that are self destructive and counterproductive, but we justify them anyway. I think the key word here is ‘anyway’. What ‘anyway’ means is that the thing in question will happen at any cost – any way. Too often it ends up costing our sanity, our health and our relationships.

You can justify anything if you try hard enough. And sometimes there are good things to do, but we just aren’t in the position to do them at that time. But when you know you shouldn’t do something or you can’t accept a commitment to the best of your ability right now, don’t go doing it anyway. It won’t turn out the way you want it to. When your commitment is to give the best you’ve got, you have to make some tough choices. Some things might have to fall away so that you can give your best where you can. And if what you’re wanting to do ‘anyway’ is something you know better than to do, giving your best means giving it up completely. When you know better, you do better, right?

I apologize, tummy. I won’t let you down again.

Aug7

"I’m talking gift…"

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"I’m talking gift…"

You did recognize the title, right? OutKast – Aquemini (from my senior year! Go ’99!)

“Your gifts make a way for themselves.” Dr. Michael Beckwith

For many people, discovering your gift isn’t the hard part. Maybe you can sing or cook or organize and you already know that. Others can usually see your gifts and are more than willing to point them out – especially when they would benefit from you putting your gift to work. I don’t think that’s the challenge for most people.

The challenge, for myself at least, is knowing the best way to share or put my gift to good use. You can choose many paths. Some are more self-serving (or appear that way, but maybe they really aren’t), some aren’t. I don’t think either is necessarily better than the other; you have to weigh that for yourself. If was a baker, I could choose to have a high end bakery and only sell to the people who could afford my fabulous tasty treats. Or I could only bake deserts for the hungry so that they could enjoy a tasty treat sometimes too. Or I could do both. The point is, I’d have to find the correct fit for my gift – the best way to manifest my gift, with guidance from the Divine.

There is a way to share whatever your gift is. Sometimes we don’t see it immediately, but when you search for it mindfully, you’ll come across it. Our purpose can’t be to watch the First 48 and eat granola all day. If it were, my purpose in life would be fulfilled already and I could just go on in. There’s more and when you figure out what your ‘more’ is, your job is to get to work doing it. Sharing your gifts with the world, when you’re doing it the way it’s meant to be done, is like wearing a tailored garment. Everyone has clothes that fit. Some fit really nicely. But when you get something tailored, it fits you. Perfectly. And even though things before were close, they don’t fit as well as a tailored piece. Your gift and it’s manifestation are made for each other. They fit one another perfectly.

Aug3

Jump with both feet…

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Jump with both feet…

The video I really wanted couldn’t be embedded. (Jaguar Wright – The What Ifs)

But this will work. Just don’t take it too literally. No hidden messages – I send mine direct.

Recently, I did something I never thought I’d do. What it was isn’t important, but suffice to say, it was a big deal to me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and thought I was really making some big waves.

Let’s just say I barely made a ripple.

Sometimes you just have to do it – step out and see what happens. Maybe it will work and things will be all good. Maybe it won’t and you’ll be at home watching ‘Hitch’, wondering if you made a mistake. (Ahem.) But at the end of the day, you can’t always live your life safe. If you do, you’ll always wonder. What if I’d done that? What if I’d said it? What could have happened?

I would’ve wondered. That was the risk I couldn’t take.

When you’re ready to accept whatever happens afterwards, it’s time to jump and see where you land. It might be on your feet. Might be on your behind. But you’ll never know if you don’t give it a try. This life is only going to be what you make it. And sometimes you have to make it interesting.