Everything, everything is a lesson. You have to live the best life you can. Today. Tonight. Right now. You have to help people however you can. You have to be a light wherever you can. This is all you have. Right now is all you have.
A troubled life is only part of your story. Ultimately, what peole think about you doesn’t matter when you’re here or when you’re gone. What’s true does. So you have to make sure your truth is the best you have to offer. Our truth is relative to ourselves. You can’t live anyone else’s truth. It’s your own. Whatever that means to you, that’s how it is. We can’t spend our lives waiting to do better tomorrow. We can’t spend our lives wishing we did something or said something. We can’t spend our lives agonizing about what we did or said in the past. The present moment is what we have and that’s what we have to deal with.
Rest in Power, Michael Jackson. May the next realm offer you the salām that this world never could.
Yeah, I know. I’ve been there too. But you mature out of it.
Let me just say this. People are hilarious. Myself included. I wonder sometimes if the ancestors are looking at us like it’s a sitcom, because we can be pure comedy at times.
We’re territorial. That’s just how we are. And to me, this is the source of a lot of the comedic hijinks. We want what’s ours or what we perceive as ours. Doesn’t matter if it’s a pair of shoes, a piece of corner, recognition for an idea, or another person. If we think it belongs to us or we’d like to have it, we will go to great lengths to get it.
Some things you can own. People are not one of them. I don’t care if you mark them with a tattoo, brand them or pee around them, you can’t mark your territory when it comes to another person. We all belong to the Creator. Nobody is yours, you can’t really own other people. (They have a name for that, it’s called slavery. But even then, a mind and a soul can’t be bought and sold.) We try to do it all the time though. I saw a couple in the mall once with shirts that said “He’s with me” and “She’s with me”. That kind of thing confuses me. I guarantee if one of them sees someone else they’d rather be with and they really want to, the shirts would come off. Or at least be inside out. For all the romanticism we conjure up for a wedding ring, at the end of the day we use it as label. “This one belongs to me. See the ring?” I’m not anti-ring. My point is, what are we really saying. Are you any less married without it? Or are we just trying to let the world know that the person in my life is off limits. If the person in your life wants to be in your life, isn’t that enough?
I heard a saying once, “If it has legs, it can walk.” Meaning, if someone wants to get up and leave they can. Or if they want to come to you, they can. You can’t do anything about that. You do the best you can in relationships, or in life for that matter, and you see what happens. I’ll tell you this much, what you have isn’t enough to make them want to be with you. Sorry. Whatever it is, someone else has that too and it’s bigger, better , faster, smarter, stronger and softer than yours. We all have free will and sometimes that’s a sinking feeling. But take heart. When it’s the right time and the right thing, you won’t have to fire off a warning shot when your beloved comes into the room. If they don’t want to be with you, it won’t help anyway. All you’re doing is drawing attention to that good stuff you’re trying so hard to keep. If they’re really “yours”, they aren’t going anywhere.
The other afternoon, I was at the store and an Outcry from the Barrio guy (If you’re not familiar, google it. I can’t get into that right now.) came up to me and scared the mess out me. All he said was “Ma’am”, but that’s all it takes for me if I’m lost in thought. Knowing this, my step-mom and grandma tell me frequently to always be aware of my surroundings.
If awareness is knowing what’s going on at all times, I’m at times guilty of unawareness. I do alright, but there are so many things to know about. News, not news, causes, issues, plights, new movies. There’s a lot of stuff out there. That said, I know a lot of things. Last night I recalled a song from a zillion years ago on very little description. Title and artist. I know about a lot of things and I know how to find out about a lot of things. So I guess you could say I’m aware. But of what?
As I grow older, the thing I’ve found that the one thing that I need to be most aware of is the thing I know least about: myself. The other day, I discussed finding oneself with a friend and we agreed it’s a journey. A marathon as opposed to a sprint, if you will. And it’s never ending. Who I am is an evolving thing. As time goes on, I become more aware of who I am and what I’m all about. As soon as I figure it out, it changes. But I think the key to it is that I realize that. I’m aware of the fact that I don’t have myself figured out. So I keep trying. It’s a losing battle, but the real work is in the process…
This is not a woe is me post, but this is not a being single is kick-ass post either.
The reality is that nothing is all bad and nothing is all good. I enjoy a lot of benefits from being single. I read all night and no one wants me to turn the light off. Same with the TV. As a matter of fact, I get to watch whatever I want. I don’t even know what channel ESPN is. I watch HGTV, Cartoon Network and A&E. No one complains. I eat whatever I want for dinner. Cereal? Cool. Salad? Fine. Veggie Loaf? Excellent. I clean up, but not all the time. I don’t have too much company, so it’s fine. I have a lot of freedom. No one questions me about where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing. I’m thinking of painting my room a nice green. And I don’t care who likes it.
But then again, I don’t have anyone to help me decide on a new light fixture. Or remind me to water the lawn (which I need to do like immediately.) I rarely use the dinner table, for what? I’ve only used one seat anyway. Not that I cook much anyway. I make way too much food and I end up throwing it away. Sometimes it’s kind of quiet. And dating isn’t really fun. My dad does a lot of stuff a boyfriend or husband might do: light the pilot on the water heater, change the a/c filter (Mine is on the ceiling. It’s up really high.), answer my questions about car stuff and house stuff. I kinda wish he didn’t have to do all that, but he does.
It’s cool. I won’t be single forever…I hope. But while I am, it’s not that bad. Here’s my point. I used to get all hung up on how this wasn’t what I’d planned for my life. But my plans don’t count. Never have. I’m not in charge here. The sooner you figure that out, the happier you are. Being able to accept what is reality, what the here and how really is, is essence of life in a lot of ways. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing. Things just are. Our reactions are what make us feel the way we feel and we have to accept that.
I’m disappointed. I’m very close to achieving a goal of mine, but I just got hit with a massive roadblock. It makes me wonder if I did everything I could, even though it’s a moot point now. It’s out of my hands. I wrote a letter of appeal to the appropriate person and now I let the Most High handle it. I’m going to be content with whatever happens, because that was what was meant to be. Whatever happens was the plan all along, not whatever I think. I’m not in charge.
It’s not about me. Never has been. Never will be. Ultimately, my talents and gifts will be used to serve somewhere. I just don’t know where yet. Maybe it’s right here. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m already doing what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m supposed to do it somewhere else. Whatever the outcome, I’m going to use this as an opportunity to give some thought to my purpose, slow down and appreciate life. It’s going to be fine. It’s always been fine and it will be fine again.
..are messy. That’s what I hear. But it’s only my desk. Okay, and sometimes my truck. Today’s the last day of school, hence the sleeping. They’re done with the exam, so it’s cool. Class of 2009!
photo credit: solornavigator.net
