Feb7

Most improved

Posted on by
Standard

Dear _____________:

Have I got a story for you! Remember how I came to town on my birthday? Remember how you walked past me at the party like I was a vapor, a ghost? I hurt in a way I hadn’t hurt before. But I held it inside. I didn’t cry until I got alone in the shower and alone in the rental car and alone in a stall at the airport.

I decided to leave my pain right there.

So I came home and I decided that my life had to be different. I decided to stop playing around and feel how I felt and not cry about it. And, most importantly, I decided I was over and done with your officially sorry ass. You meant to see me broken and suffering because I’d slung some imaginary hurt your way; a mythical transgression that I apologized over and over for – even though I had no idea what it was and you refused to tell me. I decided you were never going to get that satisfaction again.

You’ve seen me broken. You’ve seen me beg for slivers of your attention, bits of your time. You’ve seen me crying, weeping, praying for a resolution. You’ve seen me trying everything I knew to get you to love me. You’ve had that satisfaction and you will never, ever have it again.

You will say that we were never meant to be together. That isn’t true. We absolutely were. But, there is more than one route to happiness. Thankfully, I’ve found another way there with a different co-pilot.

Goodbye forever,

K

Dec6

Sleep

Posted on by
Standard

I’m so thankful for sleep.

Being able to rest and rejuvenate yourself is a great thing. Sometimes sleep evades me or doesn’t provide the quality I’d like, but eventually it comes. I’m happy there is a free way to get the benefits of rest.

Dec3

Dear_________,

Posted on by
Standard

Dear _____________,

The writing challenge is to express gratitude. I need to thank you.

You made me who I am and that’s not an overstatement. Our time together helped shape me in a way that nothing else will. I literally went from a girl to a woman in that span and the woman that I’ve become is indelibly stamped by you.

You taught me to be fearful. You’d never lay a hand to me; never even cursed in my presence really. But you taught be to be cautious. The next time I find love, I will sieve it carefully. I can’t always trust how I feel. I will listen. I will heed. And I will run and hide when necessary.

You showed me what I wanted. I want intellect. I want polish. I probably won’t be happy without it. I probably would’ve dated more had I not met you. But my standards are so high now – reasonably high, I think – that I don’t date much. If I’m not caught by wit or intelligence, there likely isn’t a second date. I thank you for helping me not waste time.

But mostly, I thank you for allowing me to love you. You did so reluctantly, but you allowed me into your heart for a time and I appreciate it. I know what it’s like now. I know how it feels.

You and I operate on different frequencies. I know you probably won’t ever be back. But you live in my heart. The next time I have to see you and act as if you don’t exist, as if my heart isn’t shattering as I walk past you, remember you live in my heart.

I thank you for taking part of this trip with me.

Dec2

Time alone

Posted on by
Standard

I’m thankful for time alone.

Sometimes I’m a little sad that I’m by myself most of the time. But really, time alone gives me an opportunity think about what life means. I’m content that I can live my life on my own terms for now. Being by myself allows me time to know what it means to have a life absent of a relationship. I can appreciate both sides.

Dec1

Sunshine

Posted on by
Standard

I’d like to take a few moments to thank the sun. Faithfully, the sun rises (well, you know what I mean) and tells me to get up and do something. The light outside my window alerts me to important issues such as my being late to work. I keep saying I’m going to get curtains because the blinds in my room do a terrible job of blocking the sun, but it’s been 4 years and I’ve yet to do it. I think it’s because the sun reminds me a lot of myself. Every night it tucks quietly away and every morning it comes roaring back. It’s never actually gone though. The sun is working even when you can’t see it. Like me.

I appreciate the warmth of the sun. Even when it’s cold, the sun is still working. I hate cold weather. But imagine how cold it would be without the sun. (Ok, we actually wouldn’t be here without the sun, but just pretend.) Even when it’s hot, Houston hot, I’m thankful for the sun keeping us from freezing to death, helping perfect my brown skin and making it the perfect time for Sno-Cones.

Thank you, Sunshine!

Oct4

Discipline

Posted on by
Standard

I have very little resolve or discipline when it comes to my feelings. So, say, if I felt like telling someone I miss them, I just do it – even when I know how it’s going to turn out.

I think I should be allowed my feelings. But I’m still learning not to act on every feeling because sometimes that leads to other, more uncomfortable feelings. Like how it feels to tell someone you miss them and they not bother to acknowledge it. That hurts more that not being able to tell them. Knowing that, you’d think I’d just keep quiet. I don’t though.

I mean, I didn’t.

And it ruined my day. I let saying something to someone who no longer cares about me and having that be ignored ruin my day. Sometimes I don’t do the smartest things.

I just know that I’d want to know if someone were thinking of me, but everyone ain’t me. More lessons, eh?

I’m trying to do better. Weird stuff keeps happening to me. Dreams. The most bizarre online dating message ever. Just stuff. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone who I once felt understood me. A little.

And because I understand how this goes, I know I can’t. So I’ve been trying to sit on my feelings and I’ve been successful for months.

But then, some days are harder than others. All I can do is try.